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» [IP] He says how does it feel to be human [OPEN]
KARSTEN ROTH
 Posted: Feb 14 2017, 10:56 PM
Quote
VAMPIRE
TWENTY EIGHT
WAR VET
KARSTEN is Offline




Karsten couldn't understand the feeling in his heart. Well, that was a lie. He understood it, but he couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't sure exactly how he got where he was, both in life and physically. Looking around, he let out an exasperated breath, trying hard not to break down in his distress.

He knew that he was partially if not mostly responsible for his separation with Sera. He was clingy, he was constantly present but he loved her, he needed her, and he didn't mean to smother her. He just wanted to be part of her life, to experience things with her, and he'll probably always feel the guilt of screwing this up for them both.

In his head he knew that she didn't want to hurt him, nor did he want to hurt her. For one reason or another it just wasn't working. Did he have hope that they'd work out the issues and get back together? Absolutely. They were a family. They were his family. How would he survive without seeing his girls, without seeing Seren every day? Without going home to them every day after work?

He would though. Survive. Because he'd still see them, they would still need him, he needed them. He'd push through this, because he had hope and because he had them. And he had friends, too, though they were also her friends, and he wasn't sure if they'd object to him or anything. He didn't know how that worked.

He knew what was happening right now; he had PTSD for quite some time, he recognized the signs of a panic attack when he experienced one. The thing was he couldn't stop it. He had no idea how he ended up here at the wharf, or how he managed to keep from falling in the water, but his body knew to take care of him when his mind was gone.

Sera and their kids were the catalysts to his healing. That wasn't to say that he had been attack-free since being with her and being surrounded by them, but they came less frequently and less strong since then. Sera had this way about her that helped him through the PTSD and anxiety attacks. Without her there, he'd have to find another buffer.

He sat down in the middle of the dock, making sure not to get too close to the edge. He put his head between his knees and tried breathing deeply to calm his heart before another full blown attack happened, trying to draw up happy thoughts and memories to pull him out. Seren smiling, Ella and Liana on Christmas, Sera in his arms...It stopped the attack for the most part but brought tears to his eyes.

He could only hope that his kids wouldn't choose not to even see him again; he knew first hand what it was like having divorced parents and he wanted them to know that they were loved and cared for no matter what, that this changed nothing between them. He sat there just breathing, hoping to be calm and collected before heading back. He hated to think about how he looked wandering this way mid-attack, no recollection of how or where..




Thank you SHANTEL for the template!!


--------------------

YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT
REMINDS ME HOW YOU LAID US DOWN, AND GENTLY SMILED BEFORE YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE.
PMEmailWebsite
^
ARIA MONTGOMERY
 Posted: May 2 2017, 09:14 AM
Quote
WITCH
TWENTY-ONE
PHOTOGRAPHER
ARIA is Offline


New Orleans was a little lonely. Aria couldn't help but notice that she didn't quite mind it as much as she thought she would. Rosewood seemed like a wild dream and her time out of the country was a good change of pace but still wild none the less. Since arriving in New Orleans, everything had gotten quite, almost peaceful....but she didn't dare admit that part out loud in case she jinxed it.

New Orleans itself was a wild adventure waiting to happen, but Aria hadn't had any part of that so far. She was taking her time observing before jumping in the deep end, and she was enjoying herself. She had found a few new hobbies in the city, and today she was out taking photos of the wharf.

It was beautiful the way the sun bounced off the water, and when it got dark the lights of the boat houses twinkled, making the darkness come alive. It photographed well if you knew what you were doing and she loved being by the water.

Maybe it was the feeling she got. She had always loved water, even as a child. She had recently read a book about the elements, maybe water was hers. She hadn't quite decided if she believed in all of that, but it was fun to pretend, especially in this city. There was something magical about New Orleans.

There was also a sadness here, though. Aria hadn't noticed at first, and it was just a feeling she got, but it was something she hadn't felt before. It definitely had her a little weary but didn't stop her from curiously exploring by herself. There wasn't much else to do here. She hadn't spoken much to her friends or made many new ones, and after living in Europe, she had become vastly more independent, which proved useful now...but she wasn't horribly opposed to companionship if it fell into her lap, after all, that's how she had met Alison & the girls.

Aria wasn't that close to the stranger when she spotted him through her viewfinder. She had been taking pictures of the dock where the support beams met the water and when she raised the lens, there was a person. He was sitting on the dock and from where she stood he looked pretty distressed. Aria hesitated but decided against probably everything any self-defense class had taught her and approached him.

"Are you alright?" She asked softly. Aria's voice had always been gentle, but she took extra care now as to not scare him. She recognized the heavy breathing instantly. Panic attacks weren't foreign to her. She had started getting them when everything with Meredith had started. Her rule: brave face for the crowds. That was all she could muster sometimes, and somehow keeping secrets had turned into her way of life.

THANKS KAY



--------------------


LOST INSIDE THIS EMPTY HAZE OF LIFE
user posted image
WAKING UP JUST TO CATCH YOURSELF DREAMING AGAIN, BUT YOU WON'T THINK OUTSIDE THE LINES THAT HOLD YOU IN. YOU SAY IT'S EASIER JUST TO HIDE YOURSELF AWAY, TO SHUT THE WINDOWS, LOCK THE DOORS, AND DISAPPEAR---------
THIS LIFE IS MINE TO LIVE
WE NEVER LOOK BACK.


PMEmailWebsite
^
KARSTEN ROTH
 Posted: Jul 31 2017, 10:58 PM
Quote
VAMPIRE
TWENTY EIGHT
WAR VET
KARSTEN is Offline




Are you alright?

Three words. Only three words, and yet…How many times a day did Karsten wish that someone – anyone – would ask him that? Someone who cared, not just a counselor at the VA. Not that they didn’t care, but…They were paid to. It was their job to care. He wanted to talk to people who cared because they wanted to.

And he didn’t have that. Steve talked to him on occasion, but he couldn’t unload all his issues on a guy who probably has his own problems to contend with. Wilson was great, but again, it was his job and duty to ensure veterans were alright. He did care, and Karsten knew he was genuine when he asked, but again. Same situation.

And there was no way in hell he was going to let his kids see him hurting the way he was, so they’d have no reason to ask him if he was alright. For all they knew, he was handling this whole divorce thing just fine, just as well as Sera was or better. So it was probably not a bad thing that he was alone – it gave him a chance to get all his ‘not alright’ time out of the way so he could fake it better when he needed to.

Because let’s face it- he was decidedly not alright. He realized that it was unfair to place the weight of his PTSD and anxiety on her shoulders – If he could get a word in without pissing her off, he’d say so. Maybe he’d try soon. But it was so hard for him to adjust from a full house, to an empty apartment. How was he supposed to be okay, when his entire life had just…disappeared? Poof. Right through his fingers.

Never fall in love kid, it’s not worth the heartache or the 50 pounds. His mom used to tell him that all the time. If he knew how this would have ended, would he do it all over again? He wanted to say yes but if he could do it all over again, he’d do it all differently. He’d change who he was if it meant keeping the woman he loved and his family together. It was too late now.

He was realizing that the stranger who had asked him the question he was dying for a friend to ask was just standing there waiting for a response. He nodded. At least, he thought it was a nod. For all he knew, he looked like a bobblehead. He tried speaking. They came out muffled, but he also knew when he was deep into an attack he couldn’t talk, so it was comforting to know he wasn’t that bad right now.

”I’m okay. I’m okay. Just…it’s cramped in here. Why is it so enclosed?” He didn’t remember that he was outside, which is kind of opposite of enclosed, but he wasn’t looking up…He dared to lift his head up a little, and found he wasn’t totally dizzy. He offered a half-hearted smirk toward the girl. ”Am I blocking the walkway…” It wouldn’t be the first time.




Thank you SHANTEL for the template!!


--------------------

YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT
REMINDS ME HOW YOU LAID US DOWN, AND GENTLY SMILED BEFORE YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE.
PMEmailWebsite
^
ARIA MONTGOMERY
 Posted: Aug 30 2017, 01:34 PM
Quote
WITCH
TWENTY-ONE
PHOTOGRAPHER
ARIA is Offline


She slowly sat down in front of him, shutting off her camera as she did so and setting it aside. "It's ok, you're ok." She assured him. She had approached him after all, and she knew panic attacks were never convenient. I'm Aria." She smiled gently as he looked up at her. "Can I help you?"

Aria knew that while she had never been diagnosed or prescribed anything for her anxiety, it was quite common. If she could help him with his medicine or anything that would possibly help, she would be more than happy to. She didn't want to go overboard with discussing their location or his problems because he might not be ready for that and it wasn't her place at all. She didn't even know his name.

"Is there someone I can call or something I could get for you?" She asked, keeping her voice calm. She loved the water and the area, but she had no idea his history or if the location was painful for him. There were too many unknowns for her to take charge of the situation so she needed him to tell her how she could help him.

Aria rarely had anyone to help her through these attacks, so she truly felt for the guy sitting across from her. Her parents didn't even know she was having them. What was she supposed to do? Hey mom, dad's banging the TA and I'm having severe anxiety because of it. Can I see someone about this? Yeah, no.

Her relationship with Byron had improved since they had moved, but they just acted like it hadn't happened more than actually resolving their issues. She was still bitter and terrified her mother would find out. She couldn't handle that, and she knew Mike couldn't either. She couldn't imagine a world where her parents weren't together, but up until she saw Meredith and her father making out, she hadn't imagined a world where her father would be that guy.

The thought of it still made her cringe. Her father had been flawless in her eyes for so long and it was like in that moment, her entire world shattered into a million pieces. If he had lied about that, what else had he lied about? She didn't even know what to believe anymore when it came to him. But now secrets were a way of life and she didn't know how she had lost herself the same way she had lost him.

THANKS KAY

--------------------


LOST INSIDE THIS EMPTY HAZE OF LIFE
user posted image
WAKING UP JUST TO CATCH YOURSELF DREAMING AGAIN, BUT YOU WON'T THINK OUTSIDE THE LINES THAT HOLD YOU IN. YOU SAY IT'S EASIER JUST TO HIDE YOURSELF AWAY, TO SHUT THE WINDOWS, LOCK THE DOORS, AND DISAPPEAR---------
THIS LIFE IS MINE TO LIVE
WE NEVER LOOK BACK.


PMEmailWebsite
^
KARSTEN ROTH
 Posted: Nov 14 2017, 02:06 AM
Quote
VAMPIRE
TWENTY EIGHT
WAR VET
KARSTEN is Offline




There were times when Karsten hated himself. He hated what he'd become since his time in the military. He was a coward who went AWOL because he was too fucked up in the head to return to duty. He flinched when a car backfired, hid in the dark when fireworks were released, slept on the floor so when nightmares hit, he didn't hit his head falling off the bed.

He didn't blame Sera, to be honest. When he had his attacks, when his PTSD got the best of him, he didn't feel like he was a real man. He knew that wasn't true, or at least that's what he was told, but try convincing his mind of that.

It was moments like right now, when his anxiety hit him like a tornado in broad daylight in the middle of a public place that he felt weak. That he couldn't just...suck it up and deal with it. Again it was a mindset that wasn't particularly fair but he was always hardest on himself. What were they all thinking? Look at this poor, pitiful, man?

He turned his attention from his inner, self-loathing dialogue to the girl in front of him, who introduced herself as Aria. He gave a one-shouldered shrug. "You already are I guess. Karsten." He tried to offer her another tentative smile, though he wasn't sure exactly how it came out.

Was there anyone she could call? Loaded question. He did have people who would come help him if needed, but he didn't want Sera or his girls to see him like this. They deserved more. Better. And he wasn't about to bother Sam or Steve or Grant or anyone else. So really, the answer was no, there was no one.

"Just...keep me from being a hazard to anyone else right now? Don't want them tripping over me or anything. I don't...remember getting here. Don't know who I might have bumped into to get here." He cringed. Did he hurt anyone? Cause a scene? In the worst of it all he'd attacked a few people in the past, thinking they were the enemy. Did that happen again this time?

He did a cursory check. No blood on his clothes, no bruises on his knuckles. He calmed down a little; the usual signs of attack weren't there, which was good. "I, uh, PTSD. It gets bad sometimes and I lose track..." He looked around, finally getting his bearings. "So. What part of your day did I interrupt?" A smile quirked at his lips, trying to recover some sense of breath and dignity.




Thank you SHANTEL for the template!!


--------------------

YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT
REMINDS ME HOW YOU LAID US DOWN, AND GENTLY SMILED BEFORE YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE.
PMEmailWebsite
^
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