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[OS] Breathe Again
PERMALINK // POSTED ON: Oct 4 2013, 03:48 AM
How long did it take to get over heartache? That was the question that G. Stiles Stilinski has asked himself since he was eight years old. Still he had no answer. He still felt his heart shattering in his chest every time he thought about his mother. He could feel it crack when he thought about the best friend he lost, who abandoned him when he needed to him the most. He could hear it stop when he remembered the moment Lydia left him. But at the moment it felt like he didn’t even have a heart still in his chest. How could you feel such sadness for someone who wasn’t even real? Who was just a possibility in the back of their minds?
It had been a tough week, one that for the beginning he didn’t think he would survive. It had been a test of his strength and he felt as if he failed. He had been a mess of emotions, painful ones that he had never had before. He knew that people thought he was over reacting to the break up, but did they not understand the young man’s mind? Here was a young teenager, who had been in love with this girl much longer then she had loved him, a girl who was the only one for him. Did they not know how he felt about her, this love he held for her was not simply a silly teenage love, and it was one so deep and true that sometimes it hurt to think about. Stiles knew the moment that he had told Lydia that he loved her, that there would be no other girl for him in the world. She was going to be his one and his only, for the rest of his life. And in almost an instant she was gone from him.
He hadn’t taken it well at all, wouldn’t anyone if it felt like their whole world was disappearing? He tried to drown himself in alcohol, but that just increased the pain. He tried to sleep it away, but he was instantly sucked into the world of nightmares, ones of instead of Lydia being the one to find the bodies he did. Only there was one body that he found and it was hers. He would wake up gasping for air trying to breath but not being able to hold it in his lungs. The first time he woke from the dream he ran to the bathroom and was physically Ill, only thankful that he made it in time. He sat there afterwards sobbing alone of the floor of the bathroom, fist hitting the bathroom floor lightly to let anything out but a scream. The second time he didn’t feel like he was sick, just that he was dying and no one was there to save him. He could still see her dead eyes staring up at him, and almost her whisper of ‘If you would have just listened.’
He knew this dream was a reality, just his fears running at him in a rush. But even still he left Sanctuary to go to stand outside their apartment. He didn’t go inside, if he went inside he would never come out again. It would still feel like she was there, her scent would wrap around him and he would be lost to it. It was worst when he thought she didn’t want him back, when he heard that she was having a party. It hurt him because to his fuzzy mind it was almost like she was celebrating their break up. He had always held the deep fear that he was just a dead weight that one day she would cut free. He didn’t stay outside the apartment, he went back to Sanctuary and sat there, not being able to sleep, or to do anything really at all.
He didn’t eat either, food made him sick, as if his body was protesting anything that would make him feel better. He guessed that’s when people really started to worry about him. People started by trying to make him talk about it, which he most defiantly did not want to do. How was he supposed to talk them when he was just having a hard time talking to himself about it, that he just understood how real this pain was? So after the gentle comments and asking if he was okay, which Stiles thought was stupid to ask, a monkey could see he was fucked sideways, came the threats. They started out small like “don’t make me come find you,” and then they grew in proportion. Threats of finding him and knocking some sense into him, or tying him up and force feeding him. Did people really think he cared? Did they think that of all the things in the world, he cared about their idle threats? He had just lost the one thing left living for, and they wanted to make him eat? That just pissed him off more, and the angrier he got the more the hatred grew.
Only one person was able to break him out of that hate everyone stage. Emiliana was the only one to take the anger away. Though part of that was because Stiles doubted that he could be angry with her. She hadn’t pushed the issue of him talking about it. She just sat with him in the library with him, not talking not asking, just sitting. And when it was time to eat, she would just gently persuade him to take a bite of toast, while Jackson screamed on the chat about forcing him. Instead of letting him walk to Lydia’s mansion alone she walked with him, standing with him as he stared up with longing. It was in those few days that he really realized what she meant to him, that she was more than a friend. She was a sister to him.
They hadn’t stayed a part from each other long, neither one of them dealing with the loss. They had held on to each other, they cried, they came together again. They talked about the argument, how both of them had messed up, how they wouldn’t make the same mistake again. It wasn’t as if they would never fight again, it was bound to happen with both of them being strong willed people. But they wouldn’t walk away when the times got tough, and they would listen to one another. They would grow from this, and become a better couple for it.
But unfortunately there were a few snags along the way, one being Jackson Whittemore. Stiles could see why people would be sympathetic to the guy, Stiles was now dating his ex-girlfriend who he still loved. And once upon a time Stiles was one of those people who felt bad, felt almost guilty. But after this experience he couldn’t anymore. Stiles didn’t expect Jackson to just sit back and not go after Lydia, he wasn’t dumb, and he knew what would happen. He also knew there was a chance Lydia would take him back and not look again at Stiles again. But Stiles never thought Jackson would put his hands on Lydia, touch her without permission, and kiss her without permission. He suppose it was supposed to make Stiles feel better that Lydia pushed him away, but it didn’t. Because even after all this time, after all the effort and time he put into building a friendship with Jackson, it was crushed in one move. Stiles couldn’t believe that he thought Jackson cared about him, tell him about how it would be okay, that he wouldn’t let the others force him, only for him to turn around and do that. It all just felt to Stiles as an act, on big lying act. And now Stiles didn’t know if he could trust Jackson, cause what else was just an act of his?
But all that aside things were better the first day that Lydia and he were back together, they laid in bed holding each other. Made love together, enjoying their connection they always had when together. They just focused on each other and ignored the world around them. But then Lydia had talked to him about what had been bothering her about the break up. The fact that in the heat of the moment that sometimes they had forgotten protection. And Stiles could feel his heart stop again. He knew what that meant, and he knew how stupid he had been. He could see the way Lydia played it off as something easy, not to worry about it, but Stiles couldn’t do that. When he found out she had an appointment on Friday to see if she was pregnant or not, he told her he was going with her.
Which had lead them to the hospital, both of them scared and frightened. Yet a part of Stiles couldn’t help but soar at the thought of being a dad. He knew neither one of them was ready for a kid, but it didn’t stop him from closing his eyes and feeling his heart race with happiness when he thought of a little girl with Lydia’s curls and eyes. They had gone into the doctor’s office holding each other’s hands for dear life, both trying to keep calm for the other one, both trying to be strong. It had seemed like such a long time, though he was sure it was only a few minutes, but it had felt like hours. No one knew where they were, it was better they didn’t, it was no one’s business but their own.
So when the doctor came in and told them the tests were negative, it was shocking to Stiles that his first reaction wasn’t relief. But instead sadness. The relief was there too, but it was almost like grief too. He guessed it was because over the past two days he had thought about what it would be like to have a kid with Lydia, and how happy that had made him. And though he wasn’t positive about what Lydia was thinking, he knew her well enough to read that she was probably feeling the same as him.
But he didn’t understand how he could feel so strongly for a child who wasn’t even real? Was he really grieving a child who was never there, or the idea of the child that the two of them could have had. He thought about it for a long time, even more when he was sitting on the couch and Lydia climbed over and sat in his lap, pressing her face into his shoulder and curling herself into his chest. He knew then he wasn’t the only one in a complex of emotions. He wrapped his arms around the love of his life and held her close to him as he closed his eyes and rested the top of his head on top of hers.
This was serious, these feelings were not the ones of a teenager, no teenager really felt this way did they? Of course the two of them weren’t normal teenagers, they had been through a lot in their lives more than most adults did. Maybe it was possible that they had emotions beyond that of a normal teenager. No, Stiles knew his feelings ran deeper than that of just a teenager.
He wanted a life with Lydia, he wanted it all. He wanted them to live in the apartment together, go to university together, get married have children, get a house, and have more children. He wanted everything with her and couldn’t imagine a world without it. He wanted to go on more dates with her, to go dancing with her. He wanted the happiness of being with her and he wanted her to be happy to be with him. As these thoughts danced in his head, he held Lydia even tighter to him running a hand through her hair in a soothing fashion. He could feel the sadness in his heart get lighter with each moment that he thought about their future together.
And it was in that moment that Stiles Stilinski decided he would propose to Lydia Martin when they finished High School and make sure that they had their happy ever after, together.
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