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00/00 Both figuratively and literally, it is a task to occupy the generations. And no matter how much progress one makes, there is always the thrill of just beginning. We are all connected; To each other, biologically. To the earth, chemically. To the rest of the universe atomically.
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[OS] Here Comes Goodbye
PERMALINK // POSTED ON: Sep 28 2012, 12:34 AM
Catori and Chuck had already had the discussion that centered around whether or not they wanted to have children in the future. Their marriage was one thing, however rushed it had been at the time, but children was another thing altogether. Something that was expected but not at all mandatory.
They had agreed in the end that they did not want children, not only because they weren't ready for a child but because - at that point in their lives - they were content with what they had and felt like stepping up to be parents would be a mistake. They also agreed to reevaluate their thoughts on someday having children in a few years because their opinions very well could change.
When Catori had found out that she was pregnant, that had been a shock, but finding out that she had been fourteen weeks pregnant? That was almost dream-like. She hadn't been showing and any symptoms of being pregnant she had been ignorant about. There had been so many things happening (like her accident) that caused so many symptoms all on its own that it was quite easy to fail at piecing everything together. The fact that she hadn't started showing until week sixteen didn't help matters, either.
Abortion and adoption had both been possible options but after Googling abortions and stumbling upon images of the tiniest babies post-abortion... Catori knew she wouldn't be able to go through with it. She wasn't a murderer and despite the fact that the laws stated that life started with a baby's first breath, an expecting mother knew that it started well before that. Adoption was out of the question, too. Catori would never wish feelings of never having been enough on anyone, even a child that, at the time, she hadn't wanted. She wasn't going to abandon a mistake that she had helped to create just because it wasn't in her plan. If that meant losing Chuck, she'd have to pay that price, but luckily enough for her (and for the unborn baby), Chuck agreed that keeping the baby might not be the worst idea.
Once they found out that their baby was a boy? Well, that was the moment that they realized they were about to have a family. A real one with a working father, a loving mother and a radiant baby boy cleverly dubbed Baby Bass until a better name was chosen.
There had been a few scares. Mainly the fact that Catori had slept with Carter and Gabe, as well, but learning that she was fourteen weeks pregnant ruled out her one night stand with Carter two weeks prior and her relationship with Gabe that had ended sixteen weeks before.
As each day passed and they neared the seventeen week mark, Catori and Chuck were the magazine cover for excited. Catori's hormones were peeking through more and more, both in the sense that she was happy most times (to the extent of befriending Blair Waldorf once again) and at their worst, threatening to murder anyone that spoke badly of Chuck. Then there was the fact that she was enforcing new records as far as her sex life went with Chuck. Their unspoken twice-a-day rule was now seven-times-a-day unless someone asked Catori to take it easy on her poor husband.
Onesie shopping replaced shoe shopping and talk of new strollers and car seats replaced conversation about work just as quickly as a nursery replaced the room that Catori had once called her art studio. The next step would surely be choosing a name, but they had plenty of time for that.
Well, if Chuck had his way, the next step would be Catori going on maternity leave so early, but she just wouldn't have any of that. That was why that evening she was at work just like most other nights. The fashion show was in November and although Catori loved fashion, that wasn't why she was working for a talented French designer. He wanted his clothing to be modeled on mannequins on the runway and have the models wear painted-on versions of his clothing down the runway.
That was where Catori came in, of course. She would be the artist painting the models (with the help of many, many assistants and interns) and that was why she worked so often. Paints had to be tested, blends had to be created and noted. Photographs had to be taken, lighting had to be altered, test-runs had to take place... Everything had to be perfect.
Catori had been feeling just fine that night as she blended colors onto bare skin. There hadn't been any hinting at cramping or anything of the sort. Nothing to warn her, nothing to prepare her. There was only pain. A sharp and precise pain that felt like a knife twisting into her lower abdomen and one in her lower back, each pressing a little further in with each turn of the handle.
She had dropped anything in her hands and instead clutched her tiny, swollen stomach through the simple but baggy black summer dress that she wore. The small hint of a baby bump that she had been so excited about for the last week or so.
As if her analogy for explaining the pain had been true, Catori truly [/i]looked[/i] as if she had been stabbed in the lower abdomen. Her pale white thighs and legs were growing more and more blood-coated as the minutes passed.
After that, she didn't remember much. She vaguely remembered the camping feeling growing worse and worse... She remembered someone shoving a garbage can in front of her and another holding her hair back as the nauseousness caused by the pain had her vomiting until she was unable to do anything but dry heave in between screams and sobs.
After those blurs of memories, she did have a single sharp memory. Being taken outside and placed into a car, but only because she sharp coldness of the autumn evening had her skin stinging as she was exposed to it. From then on out, she was in and out of consciousness until she arrived at the hospital.
Catori had absolutely no idea who had been in charge of placing the garbage can in front of her, or who had held her hair back. Of who had tried calling 9-1-1 and who had decided driving her there would be quicker. She didn't know who had helped her outside, into the car or who had driven her to the hospital.
She could have found out easily once she had arrived, despite the pain that the hybrid was in. Simply looking at their faces... but Catori knew what was happening to her. She wasn't naive or stupid; there was a chance the baby would survive this, sure, but realistically speaking... this was the baby dying.
And that had Catori hysterical. Her hands gripping the bed railings that she had been placed into in an attempt to force herself up from the laying position she was in despite the many hands holding her down. Her throat was raw from screaming so loudly and so constantly, but she never faltered; she was dehydrating quickly from the heavy sobbing.
They wanted to 'abort' the baby. Catori knew the term 'D&C' which stood for dilation and curettage. She knew that it was a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage and that it consisted of dilating the cervix enough to remove the contents. The baby.
Hysterical was an understatement, and them trying to literally restrain her was just as equal of an understatement. What if the baby was alive?! What if there was a chance this was completely unrelated, that the baby was in distress and needed their help?! What if a pill or a procedure could fix this and she could go home tomorrow morning knowing her baby boy was alive and healthy?!
The doctor in the emergency room was explaining to her that miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss and that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage; most miscarriages occur during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.
She didn't care! This would be different! This was different and if they took the time to try and find the heartbeat they'd see that! She wasn't letting them anywhere near her with an IV, a needle or any other instrument that would make her screams any less heard. She didn't care about the pain; she'd take it.
Her family would be called, she knew. Chuck, mainly, but she knew that it wouldn't take long for his family and friends along with her own to hear of Catori's trip to the hospital and show up. It wasn't like she would take notice at that point; there was very little she was paying attention to. In fact, she was certain that at least one of her friends or family members was there throughout the ordeal. Carlisle worked at the hospital, as did Ragan - at least interning. Chuck had been nearby at work and Catori knew her co-workers would have called him...
She fought the doctors off as best as she could well into her second hour. Kicking, screaming, pushing, swatting and slapping, but with the more nurses and doctors that entered the room, the more hands were able to hold her down until the hysterical hybrid was sedated. Sedated to the extent that the doctor working her case would have to make the call that would best benefit her health.
He did, however, respect Catori's wishes and demands and delivered the 3 1/2 inch, 1 1/2 ounce baby boy while Catori was out.
She awoke laying on her side. Her blue eyes on the nightstand that had a few pieces of paper placed on it, likely for her. It took her eyes a few moments to adjust enough to be able to spot out a few pamphlets for support groups as well as a birth certificate for her and Chuck to sign... and a death certificate.
Her hand reached down beneath the blanket to find the baby bump that she had been bragging about all week, but it wasn't there anymore.
Was this her punishment? Was she truly that awful of a person in a past life, or was this what she deserved for not wanting the baby when she had first found out? It couldn't be; no God was cruel enough. She had taken it all for granted; she had wanted it gone and the moment she realized it was a blessing... it was taken from her. Easily the cruelest of tortures.
Catori felt exhausted from crying but that didn't stop her. She wasn't screaming and sobbing as she had been - not that she remembered much of that, thankfully. They were silent tears that she continuously wiped from her eyes and cheeks as they continued to fall onto the pillow beneath her head. She didn't have it in her to fight anymore; there was nothing left to fight for.
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