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[OS] The Thrill of the Impossible
PERMALINK // POSTED ON: Sep 28 2012, 12:27 AM
She didn't have an eating disorder. There were times that she often wished she did have an eating disorder, but simply wishing that on herself didn't mean that she had one.
There were things about her body she didn't like. There were things that all girls hated about their bodies... it was normal. Every girl hated the way they looked; they hated something about their physical appearance at the very least, but that wasn't an eating disorder.
Every morning when a girl woke up and pulled on a pair of blue jeans, they often stood in front of the mirror and stared. Their reflections showing the imperfections so much clearer than the flawless traits everyone was born with. Everything from her pear-shaped silhouette of her body to the obvious differences between she and her much more beautiful twin sister.
That wasn't an eating disorder. If that was an eating disorder, every girl in the world had an eating disorder.
Things had been so much different in the United States. Standards were so much lower, expectations were practically non-existent. Fast food chains lined the streets and girls were able to take pride in the fact that having a Big Mac on a Friday night wasn't frowned upon.
It was amazing how many social differences there were simply by moving to a new country. The fast food chains had turned into luxuriously expensive restaurants. The Big Macs had turned into slim-fast shakes and the standards and expectations that had never plagued the younger twin were as apparent as her American flaws.
But they weren't 'American' flaws. They were her flaws. Flaws that none of her American friends seemed to have. Flaws that none of her American siblings seemed to carry. Everything about them was so effortless... like they could roll out of bed and carry on with their day without taking a brief pause; they didn't need it.
Her 'brief pauses' could last hours. Picking out her outfit for the day, showering, blow-drying her hair, curling her hair, doing her make up, getting dressed... only after all of this did she feel she as as presentable as the beings that she spent the most time with. If only that much effort wasn't necessary.
Most days, it wasn't her hair or her make-up that she focused herself on. Her hair was fine, long, thick and full of volume; her skin was pale and unmarred. Her weight, however, was something that she felt she had no control over. She was 5'6" and around 130 pounds, while the average weight for someone her eight was 120 pounds.
With friends like Blair Waldorf and Jenny Humphrey who were so thin, they could wear lingerie to school and no one would ask them to cover themselves up, and with a twin sister like Aiyana, who had all the boys running after her because she was clearly the better half of the duo, it was impossible not to want to have control over that aspect of herself.
Maybe that's how it all started, being so close to so many flawless people. Her mother, her aunts, her cousins, sisters and friends... it wasn't a race, but she wanted to catch up. She didn't want to be second place, or second prize anymore. With Gabe, that was exactly what she was. Second to his job that held his attention and affections longer than she could. Second to Chloe, who despite her personality, was a bigger catch than she was.
She could do anything with her life. Anything... but she was always second. It didn't matter if she still accomplished what she set out to do. Get a boyfriend, make some new friends... she would always hold the blue ribbon.
She could control her art and become the greatest artist in the world with a lot of practice and training. She could control her friends by trying to be less dull and more adventurous. She could control her relationship by being sure to never fall off his radar... and now she would control the one thing she had been wanting to control the longest.
Most days it simply involved saying no. No to breakfast. No to lunch invitations. No to dinner reservations, midnight snacks, and so on. The moments that she couldn't say no - those few times when saying yes was mandatory - were the only times she really had to take matters into her own hands.
The burning in her throat afterwards was painful, but it was a prideful sort of pain. It was worth it, in the end... It was such a thrill… watching the numbers get lower and lower each day, knowing she was the one doing it. There was finally something about herself that she could control.
130 went to 125 in the span of a week. Then to 120, the average weight that she had been wanting to label herself as, but her mind reminded her that she was on a roll. Why stop while she was ahead?
120 to 110. 110 to 103. 103 to 99, and at 99 came the ability to fit into clothing that she thought belonged only on supermodels. The thrill of being able to shop for new clothing that she could share with her equally as small friends... it was a high. That was truly the only way to explain it.
But she did not have an eating disorder.
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